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Jokes (5) for Golfers |  Two women were paired together as partners in a club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time.
After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What’s your handicap?" "Oh, I’m a scratch golfer," the other replied. "Really!" exclaimed the first woman, suitably impressed that she was paired up with her. "Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!
|  | A sign above the men's urinal in the locker room reads ; "Gentlemen this is one place the pro doesn't question your grip ....""
IN MY HAND I HOLD A BALL,
WHITE AND DIMPLED, RATHER SMALL.
OH, HOW BLAND IT DOES APPEAR,
THIS HARMLESS LOOKING LITTLE SPHERE.
BY IT'S SIZE I COULD NOT GUESS,
THE AWESOME STRENGTH IT DOES POSSESS.
BUT SINCE I FELL BENEATH ITS SPELL,
I'VE WANDERED THROUGH THE FIRES OF HELL.
MY LIFE HAS NOT BEEN QUITE THE SAME,
SINCE I CHOSE TO PLAY THIS GAME.
IT RULES MY MIND FOR HOURS ON END,
A FORTUNE IT HAS MADE ME SPEND.
IT HAS MADE ME CURSE AND CRY,
I HATE MYSELF AND WANT TO DIE.
IT PROMISES A THING CALLED PAR,
IF I CAN HIT IT STRAIGHT AND FAR.
TO MASTER SUCH A TINY BALL,
SHOULD NOT BE VERY HARD AT ALL.
BUT MY DESIRES THE BALL REFUSES,
AND DOES EXACTLY AS IT CHOOSES.
IT HOOKS AND SLICES, DRIBBLES AND DIES,
OR DISAPPEARS BEFORE MY EYES.
OFTEN IT WILL HAVE A WHIM,
TO HIT A TREE OR TAKE A SWIM.
WITH MILES OF GRASS ON WHICH TO LAND,
IT FINDS A TINY PATCH OF SAND.
THEN HAS ME OFFERING UP MY SOUL,
| IF ONLY IT WOULD FIND THE HOLE
IT'S MADE ME WHIMPER LIKE A PUP,
AND SWEAR THAT I WILL GIVE IT UP.
AND TAKE TO DRINK TO EASE MY SORROW,
BUT THE BALL KNOWS...
I'LL BE BACK TOMORROW
| GOLF is ...
In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles.
Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.
Golf: A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments.
The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often.
There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies.
Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players.
An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice: once before swinging, and once again after swinging.
Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.
| A serious golfer was three strokes behind in a competitive match. On the seventh hole he mumbles to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt." A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life to sink this putt?" The golfer is puzzled but after a minute he says, “Ok.” And sure enough, he sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles again, "If I could only get a birdie on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?" The golfer shrugs and again says, "Ok." And he makes a birdie. On the final hole the golfer still needs an eagle to win. The stranger steps to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" This time the golfer says, "Certainly," and makes an eagle! As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and whispers in his ear, "I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life." "No problem," says the golfer, "My name is Father O'Malley."
| Tiger woods was driving in his Volvo when he pulled in to a gas station. He got out of the car and two tees fell out of his pocket. The gas attendant asked, "What are those for?" "They are for for my balls when I'm driving." The gas attendant replied, "Those guys at Volvo think of every thing!"
| I was playing golf with my doctor friend one day. He ALWAYS hit his drives right down the middle of the fairway. My problem was that I ALWAYS hooked my ball completely off the fairway. I asked him for help, and he offered to give me a physical to see if he could determine the problem. Sure enough, he said that I had three times the "normal length" of the average male, which caused an anomaly in my swing that caused me to hook. I asked him to help me, and he agreed to do surgery-- provided that I didn't play golf for four weeks. I agreed. Golf is just that important to me. Four weeks later, new body and all, I teed off on the first hole and drove the ball 270 yards right down the middle. Feeling elated, I thanked the doctor. Then I asked him what had become of the "rest" of me. He just smiled, teed his ball, then hit it and watched it duck hook two fairways away..
| A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he'd try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing, then said, "Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green." The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. "Now what?" the fellow asked the speechless pro. After he was able to speak again the pro finally said, "Uh... you're supposed to hit the ball into the cup." "Oh great! NOW you tell me," said the beginner in a disgusted tone.
| Two couples were enjoying a competitive, best ball match--wives against husbands with the losers buying lunch and a libation. The match was ALL EVEN and one of the wives had a long, breaking, fifteen foot putt to win the match. She lined the ball up carefully and confidently stroked the "winning" putt. Unfortunately, it stopped three inches short of the hole---dead on line. Her husband thought that this was a riot and laughing said, "RIGHT TRAIN, WRONG TICKET." The wife failed to see the humor and not cracking a smile replied, "NO SLEEPER CARS ON THAT NIGHT TRAIN, EITHER!!!!"
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