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Jokes 3
| An American goes over to Scotland for the first time to play golf. He gets teamed up with a group of other Scots. He tees it up at the first hole at Troon and proceeds to knock it straight out of bounds. He immediately reaches into his pocket and pulls out another ball. He turns to one of his partners and asks, “Hey what do you guys call mulligans over here?” The Scotsman replies, “3”. | | Dentist to Patient: "Would you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?" Patient: "Why, Doc? It isn't all that bad this time." Dentist: "There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss my 5 o'clock tee time." | A foursome consisting of a married couple, a Priest and a Deacon were on the third fairway. The husband, wife and Deacon all had fairly good shots down the fairway. When it was the Priest's turn, his shot went into the woods. When the ball veered off-course, he raised his hand and looked up. As he did this, everyone heard the ball hit a tree and then saw the ball fly out of the woods and land on the fairway. The Deacon then said to the Priest, "You are not supposed to ask for outside help!" | A golfer has a 60 foot breaking putt and makes a bet stating that he has a dollar that says, "I can make this putt." Everyone takes him up on the bet. He misses the putt by 5 feet and says, "You all owe me a dollar." Of course his golf buddies think he is crazy until he produces a dollar that he wrote on it,"I can make this putt." | | A man comes home after a terrible round of golf, his worst ever. He plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts." The wife sighs and gets him a beer. Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts." She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute." The wife is furious. She yells at him "You've been out golfing all day! Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ." The man sighs and says, "It's started . . " | | A seasoned golfer reaches his least favoured hole on his local golf course, a par 3 over water, and as normal reaches into his bag for an old ball. Suddenly a clash of thunder and a voice above says "NEW BALL." At last thought the golfer, divine intervention to encourage me to play this hole well. He unwraps a brand new ball from he bag and tees it up. He confidently takes his address and has a practice swing. At that moment another clash of thunder and the voice above says "OLD BALL !!!" | | Two women meet at the mall and start talking about their husbands. Rachel: "My husband has started playing golf." Anne: "And how is he playing?" Rachel: "Very well, he is throwing his clubs further than any of the the other golfers." | | A fellow goes into a golf shop in Scotland and sees a number of unique head covers, the most unusual one being the head of a rat. He takes it to the shop owner and asks how much. "Well, laddie," the old gent replies, "The clubhead cover'll be $10 American, but for a thousand more you get to here the grand story behind it." "Here's the $10," the man replies. "I'll take the cover. You can keep the story." The next day, on the links of St. Andrews, the man is walking down the Road Hole. Suddenly, several rats scurry out of the sewers and start to follow him. He begins to run, but rats keep appearing from everywhere-from the sewers and from the fairway creek. He's almost exhausted and out of breath when he reaches the cliffs overlooking the sea. Intuitively, he rips the head cover from his driver and heaves it into the sea. The rats follow it into the water. Upon leaving the course, the man returns immediately to the little golf shop. The old Scotsman sees him and with a sly smile says, "Aye, laddie, and I'd be suspectin' that you came back for the story, eh?" "Well, actually," the man replies, "I was hoping you had a cover shaped like an attorney." | | A foursome of hackers teed off at 10 am every Saturday and all were usually there well before tee time. This Saturday Dave rushed to the tee just in time, as the other three had already teed off. Dave apologized and explained that he had stopped at the Optometrist office on the way to the course to pick up his new bifocals. Dave put on his new glasses, teed up his ball and after turning his head this way and that proceeded to hit the best drive of his life. Dave's approach shot to the green was even better than his drive - leaving him a birdie putt which he drilled into the middle of the cup. Dave continued to play the best golf of his life, he broke 80 for the first time and won every bet. Of course the foursome retired to the clubhouse after the round to celebrate and allow Dave to buy drinks. After the first round his buddies began to press him to explain his new golf skills. Dave said "Guys its these new bifocals - when I put them on and looked over the top I saw a little ball and a little club - when I looked through the bottom I saw a big ball and a big club - but if I looked just right I could see a little ball and a big club. So I hit the little ball with the big club all day. When I putted it was even better, I hit the little ball into the big hole with the big putter." Well, everyone thought this was exceptional and required several more drinks. After a while Dave excused himself to visit the Men's room. However, when he failed to return after a considerable absence one friend went to check on him. He found Dave at the urinal with the front of his trousers soaking wet. "What happened?" His friend inquired. An obviously tipsy Dave replayed "I don't know. I was standing here taking a leak and I looked down and saw two - one big one and one little one. Well, I didn't recognize the big one so I put it back in my pants!" | | A guy and his buddy go golfing one day. The first guy tee's up and takes a wild swing at the ball and misses it. The buddy says, "Well that's one stroke". The guy says, "Oh no that was just a practice swing". The buddy then says, "Not when you say 'oh s***' after your swing." | | An expectant mother was being rushed to the hospital, but didn't quite make it.She gave birth to her baby on the hospital lawn. Later, the father received a bill, listing "Delivery Room Fee: $500." He wrote the hospital and reminded them the baby was born on the front lawn. A week passed, and a corrected bill arrived: "Greens Fee: $200." | | The owner of a Golf Course was confused about paying an invoice. So he asked his Secretary for some Mathematical help. He asked her, "If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" She replied, "Everything but my earrings." |
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