Jokes 2
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.
"Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.
"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.''
One mid-afternoon on a sunny day, a golfer teed up his ball. After a few practice swings, he steps up to his ball and gets ready to drive the first hole. Just before he swings, a woman in a wedding gown comes running up from the parking lot. She's got tears streaming down her face.
Just as she reaches the raised tee, she screams out, "I can't believe it! How could you do that?"
The golfer calmly takes a swing and drives the ball straight down the fairway.
He looks at the woman, as he puts his driver back in his bag and says, "Hey...I said only if it's raining"
Top Ten Signs You're Golfing Too Much
· When you pick up something off the floor, you have to lean on your putter
· The only number on your speed dial is 1-800-TEETIME.
· You have your priorities in order: food, shelter, greens fees, job.
· You dream you go to prison but still get conjugal visits with your driver.
· You tell the lost motorist that the gas station is only a par 4 away on the left.
· You'd like to take off your glove but hey, why bother?
· Whenever you see a hole in the ground, you squat, squint and read the line.
· You're vaguely aware of living with a woman, allegedly your wife
· You ask the shopper ahead in the checkout line if you can play through.
· Before you pick up the salt shaker, you mark its position with a dime.
Golfer: "Well Caddy, How do you like my game?" Caddy: "Very good, Sir! But personally I prefer Golf."
Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, Sir."
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!"
Caddy: "This isn't a watch, Sir, its a compass!"
Judge: "Do you understand the nature of an oath?"
Boy: "Do I? I'm your caddie, remember!"
A couple whose passion had waned saw a marriage counselor and went through a number of appointments that brought little success. Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately.
"There" he said to the husband, "That's what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday".
"Well," replied the husband, "I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days."
A golfer playing in a two-ball foursome drove his tee shot to the edge of the green on a par three hole. His partner, playing the second shot, managed to chip it over the green into a bunker.
Undaunted, the first golfer recovers with a fine shot to within one foot of the hole. The second golfer nervously putts, and sends the ball one foot past the hole, leaving the first golfer to putt the ball in.
"Do you realize that we took five strokes on an easy par three?" says the first golfer.
"Yes, and don't forget who took three of them!" answered his partner!
Scott was staying in a tiny hotel on a small Caribbean island and decided to play a round of golf at the local club course. He was assigned a caddy who carried the bag over one shoulder and a gun over the other. Scott, a little unsettled by seeing the rifle, hooked his first tee shot into the rough.
When he went to take his second shot, an alligator charged him, but quick as a flash, the caddy shot the animal dead in his tracks.
On the second tee, Scott again drove into the rough, where another alligator darted out to attack him. Once again, the caddy shot in the nick of time.
On the third hole, Scott's iron shot from the fairway rolled into some mud right next to a sleeping alligator.
Scott looked expectantly at his caddy, who made no move to unshoulder the rifle. "Aren't you going to take care of the alligator?" asked Scott.
The caddy shook his head, "No extra shots on a par 3."
An out-of-towner in Myrtle Beach, N.C at the height of the tourist season, decided to revisit a golf course that he had enjoyed on a previous trip to the city years before.
Finally catching the eye of the overworked assistant pro, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came here."
"You'll have to wait your turn, sir," replied the harried Asst. Pro, "I can only serve one golfer at a time."
A guy is playing golf,on the 5th fairway his ball goes out of bounds and rolls into a cave. He walks in and there is an old lady mixing a brew in a big pot.
He asks her, "Did you see a golf ball come in here?"
She says, "Over in that corner."
He picks up his ball, then he asks her, "What are you brewing?"
She says, "One drink of this and you will never miss a fairway for six months."
He asks, "Can I have some?"
"Sure, but you are a young good looking man, and this brew will ruin you're sex life.
"Hell with my sex life, give me a shot."
Off he goes and sure enough he plays the best golf of his life for six months, and on the same 5th hole he hits his ball in the same spot. He goes in the cave and sure enough the old lady is mixing her brew.
"Hello, how are you?"
"Fine."
"Can I have a shot of that brew again?
"Sure but how was your sex life these last six months?
"Not so bad, 3 women.
"See what I told you? A young man like you only getting 3 women?
"Not bad for a priest in a small town?
There are several men in the locker room of a private club after finishing 18 holes. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings.
A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues: "Hello?"
"Honey, It's me."
"Sugar!"
"Are you at the club?"
"Yes."
"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
"What's the price?"
"Only $1,500.00"
"Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 at a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
"What price did he quote you?"
"Only $60,000..."
"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
"Great!, before we hang up, something else..." "What?"
"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, tennis court, acre of park area, beach front property..."
"How much are they asking?"
"Only $1,450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
"Well, than go ahead and buy it, but just bid $1,400,000. OK?"
"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
"Bye... I do too..."
The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
On evening there was a large dinner-dance at an exclusive club in North Carolina. In the course of the evening a great deal of liquor was consumed and a man and a woman, who were not married to each other, became bored with the activity on the dance floor and decided to take a walk. One thing led to another and they wound up in a greenside bunker, but not in what one might call an unplayable lie.
Suddenly a guard showed up with an enormous flashlight and asked a simple question, "Are you members?"
"Yes," they replied as they scrambled to rearrange their clothes and retreat to the clubhouse.
"No you're not," the guard shouted, chasing after them. "No member of this club would leave without raking the bunker."
A golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning. Finally the pro asks him what he wants.
"I can't find any green golf balls,'' the golfer replies.
The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.
As the golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks him, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?''
"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!!''
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