A golfer is playing a round of golf with his buddies. On the sixth hole, a hole over water, he proceeds to flub nine balls into the water. Frustrated over his poor golfing ability, and about ready to hit somebody, he heaves his golf clubs into the water, and begins to walk off the course.

Then all of a sudden he turns around and jumps back in the lake, his buddies apparently thinking he is going to retrieve his clubs. When he comes out of the water he doesn't have his clubs and begins to walk off the course.

Then one of his buddies asks, "Why did you jump into the lake?"

Dame Fortune was seldom kind to Samuel Littleman. Although Sam had a real zest for life he was constantly beset by bad luck. He loved poker but poker did not love Sam; he played the stock market with great anticipation but always seemed to be the one who bought high and sold low. His life seemed to be full of more downs than ups. His greatest delight was his golf game. Not that Sam was a great golfer; in fact, he never managed to break 100, but the odd shot that somehow ended up in the general area he had in mind was enough to keep his hopes alive.

Finally Sam became ill and passed away. But just before he died, he asked that his remains be cremated and his ashes be scattered just off the fairway on the ninth hole of his home course.

Accordingly, a gathering assembled to carry out Sam's wishes. It was a bright sunny day and was going well. Then, as the ashes were being strewn .... a gust of wind came up and ... blew Sam out of bounds.

Mailing List
Service in english/
auf deutsch:
 
receive each week a new joke of golf directly in your e-mail box

Scott was staying in a tiny hotel on a small Caribbean island and decided to play a round of golf at the local club course. He was assigned a caddy who carried the bag over one shoulder and a gun over the other. Scott, a little unsettled by seeing the rifle, hooked his first tee shot into the rough.

When he went to take his second shot, an alligator charged him, but quick as a flash, the caddy shot the animal dead in his tracks.

On the second tee, Scott again drove into the rough, where another alligator darted out to attack him. Once again, the caddy shot in the nick of time.

On the third hole, Scott's iron shot from the fairway rolled into some mud right next to a sleeping alligator.

Scott looked expectantly at his caddy, who made no move to unshoulder the rifle. "Aren't you going to take care of the alligator?" asked Scott.

The caddy shook his head, "No extra shots on a par 3."

A guy visiting a fairly rough (down market) golf course for the first time was getting ready to tee off on the first hole.

"Keep your head down," he heard a voice shout to him. Not wanting to get into any bother with the local thugs, he kept his head down.

"I said keep your head down!" So he lowered his head further, and continued to address the ball.

"No, I said keep your head right down dammit!"

The golfer now had his head so low his chin was touching his chest. He played the ball and it dribbled about 30 yards down the fairway.

"I don't know about that new pro," said Dave.

"He may be a little strange."

"Why do you think that?" asked Clyde.

"He just tried to correct my stance again."

"So?" said Clyde. "He's just trying to help your game."

Watching from the Club house overlooking the 10th green, we saw a foursome approaching. Having marked their balls, suddenly one of the guys fell down and the three others started a fist fight. The Golf Captain stormed out from the Club house to separate the fighting men.

"Why are you fighting?" he asked

Jack was first up in his foursome. Eyeing the ball, he swung his club and hooked his shot over the fence and down a road where the ball crashed through the windshield of an oncoming car. The startled driver lost control of his vehicle, and it spun into a parking lot and bounced off three cars. Jack raced over to the crash scene and was relieved to find that no one was hurt. Almost immediately a policeman arrived and spotted Jack standing next to the crashed car eyeing his ball.

"Just what are you going to do about this?" demanded the policeman.

Jack looked up. "Well, the first thing I'm going to do is change my grip."

A man hit his ball into the bunker and looked down and saw a magic lamp. He rubbed it and a Genie popped out.

The Genie said, "Look, I'm very busy so I'm going to grant you only one wish so make it good."

The man said, "I'm afraid of flying so I'd like you to build an overseas bridge to Hawaii so that I can play golf there."

The Genie said, "Do you realize how incredibly difficult that would be. I'm powerful but I don't think that I can do that. Make another wish."

The man said,"OK,I'd like to know how a woman's brain works."

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when she collapsed from a heart attack.

"Please dear, I need help." she said.

The husband ran off saying, "I'll go get some help."

A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began to line up his shot on the green.

His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I may be dying and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear. I found a doctor on the second hole who said he'd come and help you."

"The second hole??? When in the hell is he coming???"

"Hey! I told ya not to worry." he said, stroking his putt....."Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

A man and his wife were out playing a round and through 13 he was even par. The 14th was a treacherous dogleg to the left. He hooked his tee shot and it wound up behind a barn with no clear shot to the green. Disappointed and knowing this was going to cost him a potential par, he addressed the ball.

Before he could hit, his wife yelled to him, "Honey, if you open up the front door to the barn and I open up this back door, I think you have a shot."

To his delight, he sure enough did. He readdressed his ball and hit his 2 iron on the screws. Just as the ball was about to clear the barn, it clipped the corner of the door and hit his wife in the head, killing her... Less than a week later, he was back out on the same course shooting another great round going into 13. He hooked his drive again on 14 and wound up in the same place as he had the previous week.

His buddy, assessing the situation, yelled to him "If you open up the front door of the barn and I open up this back door, I think you have a shot."

An out-of-towner in Myrtle Beach, N.C at the height of the tourist season, decided to revisit a golf course that he had enjoyed on a previous trip to the city years before.

Finally catching the eye of the overworked assistant pro, he said, "You know, it's been over five years since I first came here."

The elderly Great Grandfather had been playing golf whenever possible for over 78 years. Today had been no exception, he was out early and played his 18. After golf he attended his great great grandson's wedding. After the wedding he was conversing with the great great grandson, giving him all kinds of advice on having a happy marriage and a great life.

After a while the great great grandson said, "Grandfather what's it like making love when you reach your age."

And the Great Grandfather replied, "Well, its kinda like putting with a rope."

A guy comes home after losing a lot of money, playing golf. A few minutes later his wife comes home from work with a new fur coat.

Her husbands says "Hey how did you get this?"

She says that her boss won the lotto and this is her share. This happens a few times, first the coat and then a car and then jewelry etc. One night the wife gets home really tired out and asks her husband to run her bath, which he then does. But only fills it up an inch.

She gets in and says to him "Why did you put in so little water?"

An American, who is a scratch Golfer, visits Scotland for the first time. Taking a Scottish Caddy he plays a famous links course and finds he can't hit the ball straight. In fact he's having his worst round ever.

At the end of the round in his extreme frustration he says to the Caddy: "You're the worst Caddy in the World!"

Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy,

"I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course."